Why Do Families Fight?
Why do families fight? This is a million-dollar question with a host of answers. It is also a question that I hear often when working with individuals, couples, and families in the beginning of therapy.
Are we like other families?
I think we fight more than “normal families.”
I think my family is crazy and dysfunctional!
I thought we were normal until (insert situation here) happened.
I just want a normal family where we love each other and don’t fight.
We all want relationships that not only look good, but feel good, too. As a relational therapist, I am committed to this vision. So how do we get there?
Well, for starters, “nobody wins when the family feuds.” This is a line that has stuck with me from Jay-Z’s song “Family Feud” on his 4:44 album.
Without getting too deep, family is our first social group. Before you met your amazing friends, partners, in laws, and other families, there was your own. In the family therapy realm, we refer to this as your “Family of Origin” (FOO); The family you were born into and belong to. We also know that the concept of family extends beyond biological relation as there are adoptive and foster families as well. For this blog post, let’s consider family as the household and parents/caregivers you lived with and who raised you.
The institution of the family is responsible for A LOT. Families are responsible for sustaining the population! Create more people, have children, this is how we keep life going. Have the children, raise them, parent them, educate them, teach them values, rules, rear them, love them, discipline them, provide for them, and the list goes on. Even with the best of intentions, parenting is a difficult responsibility at times. The parent-child relationship starts off hierarchically. The adult leads and nurtures their child(ren) until they are mature and ready to launch. It is not always an easy and seamless road. As we grow up, we become our own persons and find out what makes us who we are. How are you different from the rest of your family and peers?
So, why do families fight? Here are some common family issues:
Communication Issues: Misunderstanding each other and what someone has said. Ineffective communication can lead to disagreements. Lack of clear communication or differing communication styles within a family can create high conflict
Differences in Perspectives: As previously stated, we all become our own person with our own ideas, values, and opinions. Each family member may have their own beliefs and perspectives shaped by their own personal experiences. Sometimes a difference in perspective causes friction. In family, there can be an expectation for total agreement, and when that is not the case, there is conflict.
Conflict over Resources: Disputes can arise over limited resources such as money, time, attention, or even physical possessions. Competing needs or wants can escalate tensions within a family.
Role Expectations: Expectations of family roles and responsibilities can vary among members. Differences in fulfilling these roles or expectations can create conflicts.
Sibling Rivalry: Siblings may compete for attention, approval, or recognition within the family, leading to rivalry and conflicts.
Parenting Styles: How do we raise children effectively? How do we handle discipline? Democratic discussion, punishment, or removal of privileges? Is there a right or wrong way? Is one approach “too soft” or too harsh? Disagreements about how to raise children or handle discipline can cause tension between parents and/or between parents and children.
Life Transitions and Changes: Major life changes like divorce, remarriage, moving homes, births, deaths, or financial issues can stress family dynamics, leading to conflicts as everyone adjusts to the new situation.
Unresolved Issues: Past grievances, unresolved conflicts, or emotional baggage from the past can resurface and contribute to ongoing disputes.
External Influences: Factors external to the family, such as societal pressures, cultural differences, or influences from peers or extended family, can also impact family dynamics and lead to conflicts.
I don’t expect you to wake up tomorrow and be a perfect communicator. I invite you to consider how can you be a cycle breaker and do the work of #undoingtoxic? In my experience inside and outside of the therapy space, I have found a lot of family issues and beef to be borderline trivial, petty, and often times intergenerational. Family passes down conflict when it remains unresolved. This sometimes looks like a loyalty bind. Everyone has a part to play in their own healing. There are two choices: you can evolve or repeat. Will you pretend like there are no issues and stay committed to silence? Or, take a chance in navigating how to approach family disagreements differently?
Resolving family conflicts often involves open and empathetic communication, active listening, compromise, setting boundaries, seeking outside help if necessary (like therapy, counseling, or coaching), and understanding that differences are natural within a family but can be managed constructively.
I leave you with this. In the midst of crisis, even the families with “difficult dynamics” make efforts to pull together and put disagreements aside. Why do we wait until crisis to love each other?
If you wish, drop me a comment. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Thanks for reading the Undoing Toxic Blog.
Disclaimer:
The intention for using social media for social workers and other mental health professionals is for marketing, education, advocacy, thought leadership, and providing content in a technologically changing field. We want to do this while making potential therapy-seekers aware of the risks and benefits of engagement on social media and Internet where mental health professionals are present. A therapeutic relationship is a professional relationship and in today's technological climate, a social media presence or following your therapist on social media is not to be confused with a relationship outside of therapy. Ethical, professional, and therapeutic boundaries must be followed and honored.
A counseling social media page or blog is not psychotherapy, a replacement for a therapeutic relationship, or substitute for mental health and medical care. A social media presence as a counseling professional is not seeking an endorsement, request, or rating from past or current clients. No social media posts or blog should be considered professional advice. The information contained in posts is general information for educational purposes only.
Be mindful of sharing personal details or details or others if you choose to comment.
Please consult your physician or mental health provider regarding advice or support for your health and wellbeing.
If you or someone you know is experiencing a medical and/or psychiatric mental health crisis and requires assistance, please call 911 emergency services.
988- National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours a day, 7 days a week)