I Have Been Counting the Days Since You Last Texted Me…
I have been counting the days since you last texted me. Today’s blog piece is on friendships, relationships, letting go, and holding out hope. What can you do when you miss people but think you can’t do anything about it?
Delete the thread and move on. That’s what the online friendship/relationship coaches say.
Stop crying over spilled milk.
Go no contact (and don’t do any internet research at 3am).
Okay, sure. If only it was that easy. I would delete the thread, the pictures, videos, the memories, and move on with my healing process. Et voila, I am healed.
The loss of a friendship, relationship, or any connection can trigger emotions and waves of grief. Have you ever lost a really important person in your life? It feels like a funeral…like someone died. This is grief. Some people call it heartbreak. I think both can be true. Grief is heartbreaking, don’t you agree? I often say to my friends and those I work with in therapy, “Have you realized that you are grieving this person and the relationship you once had?” Some people are then blown away and wonder what to do next. And I am no exception, as I have been here too.
So here we are, counting the days since the last conversation exchange, hoping for a text back, rereading the conversation.
And the feelings come to surface:
I lost something. I lost the potential for this relationship. And, I’m grieving.
I am grieving the loss of what was and what could be. What could have been. What I hoped for. It’s gone, it’s lost. And I am here.
Let me ask you: What was the hope? What was the dream for you and this person? What did you envision you would have together?
They say accepting your problem/issue is the first step to resolving it. I think acknowledging what occurred comes way before that. How I can I jump into trying to fix a problem and I have not thought about how I felt or reflected on what happened?
Attachment styles come to mind when I think about how each of us holds hope differently in all of our relationships.
Attachment styles are a more complex way of understanding our behaviors and patterns in relationships. Social science research states that the type of attachment style we develop stems from the way we were parented by our caregivers. Attachment can change, be repaired, and disrupted throughout the course of our lives.
Here are the four main attachment styles:
Secure Attachment: Individuals with secure attachment feel comfortable maintaining a balance of being close to others/ in relationships and being independent. Those with secure attachment are said to be generally able to form healthy relationships, trust others, and effectively manage emotions.
Anxious Attachment: Those with anxious attachment style may have experienced inconsistency in their early relationships and caregiving. As a result, they often seek proximity or presence as a way of finding validation and reassurance about their relationship connections. Anxiously attached individuals may fear abandonment and be on the lookout for any changes in their relationship as a signal that something is wrong.
Avoidant Attachment: Those with an avoidant attachment style might have experienced being around emotionally unavailable people and caregivers. As a result, in older adult years, they may make great efforts to avoid emotional closeness (read: vulnerability) and may appear emotionally distant or indifferent in relationships. They prioritize independence and self-reliance as a way to protect themselves from being hurt.
Disorganized Attachment: This style can stem from traumatic experiences and/or unpredictable caregiving. Those who display a disorganized attachment style may show a variety of behaviors anywhere between anxious and avoidant tendencies. They might struggle with managing emotional reactions and forming successful, stable relationships.
No matter your attachment style(s), just know that it is one way we can look at how we show up in relationships and how others show up for us. So, how are we truly approaching relationships with everyone? How well do we handle communication, intimacy, and our emotions? All friendships and relationships will be tested at some point. It can be over money, a misunderstanding of values, the principle of a situation, unspoken expectations, or even the connection suddenly ending. People can and do walk out of our lives. What are we going to do then?
It is okay to miss people. It is okay to miss a past friend, relationship, family member. Reflect on the circumstances that led to the breakdown in the relationship. Like I mentioned in my previous blog post, the holidays place a lot of expectations on our emotions. We may have been out of touch with people and are wondering how to get back, or extend an olive branch. We may even want to befriend new people but find it difficult to form new connections. Dating can be even more difficult (a blog for another day). However you choose to handle relationships in your life, the most important thing to remember is to consider and make good choices for yourself. This blog started with three points of advice. Sometimes, it becomes too painful to look back. Here is a chance to look forward.
Thank you for reading!
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