Surviving Existential Crisis at the Holiday Dinner Table
Are you here reading another one of my Undoing Toxic-Sunday Mixup blog posts because you want to know how to survive an existential crisis at the Thanksgiving holiday dinner table this week? If so, you are in the right place.
As an individual and family relationship therapist, the holidays are always a hot topic. Most people want to know how to “go home and survive the holiday season” with their loved ones. On my private practice business page @therapywithmo, I have posted quick guides on how to deal with boundaries, grief, strong emotions, and family conflict particularly between mothers and daughters.
To start, there is no such thing as a “normal” family. Every family has their own story and drama. Despite that, we all have our likes, dislikes, things and people we appreciate, and places where we absolutely draw the line with our families. The holidays place a lot of expectations on our emotions, our availability, and capacity. (Your availability is your time schedule. Capacity is what you actually have the bandwidth, energy, and strength to do.)
You’ve made it. Maybe you’ve decided to spend this holiday dinner with friends, family, and relatives in community. The ambiance and vibe is set, then here comes the existential, what are you doing with your life, neverending questions:
Y tu novio/novia? (Where is your boyfriend or girlfriend?)
When are you having kids? More kids?
Why don’t you just find someone “nice” and settle down?
What happened to wusshename? An ex or former friend you clearly no longer talk to. **insert eye roll**
Wait for this one… you getting thick/putting on a few pounds.
Do you want to be alone forever? Stop playing.
Can I borrow some money?
When are you going back to school?
Did you hear about so-and-so? (Might be an invitation for gossiping…)
What’s going on with that job of yours?
And the list goes on…
The two main questions to keep in mind on how to navigate Thanksgiving:
How can I deal with holiday madness with my family?
How do I draw an emotional boundary?
Some people want to see what you’re doing, not how you’re doing. And for most of us, we gather an idea or opinion about people via social media. Are you “well-traveled” according to the court of public opinion? New car? Are you posting date nights and about your relationships or your search for one? Job posts? How can you know for sure your friends and family have good intentions and aren’t looking to compete with you or invalidate you? Or are they looking to carry back news, or tea to others? Where will you draw the line between vulnerability and privacy? Check in with yourself: how do I really feel versus what I am showing to the world? What are these questions and conversations bringing up for you? Feeling ill, “not like yourself” or “on edge…” etc. may be indicators of something happening in your body.
If you know what you know (unique awareness) about your family, friends, and those you may spend time with, consider this:
What old traps am I falling into (people-pleasing, gossiping, arguing, etc.)
Is this worth my energy?
If you aren’t having that conversation or diving into that topic (personal life, love life, finances, work, politics, family relationships, drama, etc), stick by that. People test your boundaries if they think you’ll fold. Spend your time how you want to and only share what you are comfortable with.
We cannot change other people, but we can change how we respond. What does this look like?
grounding yourself (breathing, counting, finding something to do to self-soothe)
not engage/ discussing certain topics
walking away from dysfunction
respectfully disagreeing
going home/ finding a safe space and/or person or place to go
debriefing with your therapist to process complex thoughts and feelings
scheduling a vent-session with a trusted friend, partner
journaling
self-care
I see you. It is difficult to feel like you are putting on a full suit of armor to be with family. It’s not about expecting the worst to happen. It’s about being prepared to take care of you emotionally, protecting yourself and your peace.
Disclaimer:
The intention for using social media for social workers and other mental health professionals is for marketing, education, advocacy, thought leadership, and providing content in a technologically changing field. We want to do this while making potential therapy-seekers aware of the risks and benefits of engagement on social media and Internet where mental health professionas are present. A therapeutic relationship is a professional relationship and in today's technological climate, a social media presence or following your therapist on social media is not to be confused with a relationship outside of therapy. Ethical, professional, and therapeutic boundaries must be followed and honored.
A counseling social media page or blog is not psychotherapy, a replacement for a therapeutic relationship, or substitute for mental health and medical care. A social media presence as a counseling professional is not seeking an endorsement, request, or rating from past or current clients. No social media posts or blog should be considered professional advice. The information contained in posts is general information for educational purposes only.
Be mindful of sharing personal details or details or others if you choose to comment
Please consult your physician or mental health provider regarding advice or support for your health and wellbeing.
If you or someone you know is experiencing a medical and/or psychiatric mental health crisis and requires assistance, please call 911 emergency services.
988- National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours a day, 7 days a week)