Maybe Not Matching Pajamas

Happy Sunday and welcome back to the Undoing Toxic Blog. Today’s blog is about dating and relationships, often a favorite topic for readers.

Sooooo…we are half way into December. The New Year is almost upon us. Christmas is in 10 days. Maybe you met and lost or never met the person you thought you were going to do matching pajamas with. Dating and getting the relationship you imagined out of the Amazon cart didn’t pan out. Sigh, right?

Holidays can remind people of their loneliness, isolation, difference in family status, and along with that also their singleness. And this comes with feelings. For some, maybe this was a time of year often filled with anticipation, creating fun relationship memories, and the relationship is over. Grief is also very much present. Maybe the person and people you would be spending this season with has passed on. Holidays and their meaning change over time, especially once grief has visited.

Today’s blog is titled “Maybe Not Matching Pajamas.” I thought to myself, what’s a good blog right before Christmas?

Well, I had my own “maybe not matching pajamas” moment a few years ago. As a single person, dating and dating around the time of the holidays can get you hopeful. “If we make it, then I’ll…” “I wonder if we can go to this together…” and the list goes on. Dating requires dreaming, and maybe that’s why some still do it. I didn’t buy pajamas, but I bought these cute reindeer antler headbands. I bought two. One for me, one for them. We’ll take cute pictures next time we are together.

I’ll save you all the details this time around. We did not make it to matching anything. And I’m not going to lie, I was disappointed. Sometimes we date with too much expectation. Now that I am reading the book, “Attached,” I realize this was another avoidant person. The closer we get to an avoidant person, the more they pull away, and then poof. They are gone. That’s what happened.

Dating and progressing into a relationship can be an exciting journey filled with the hope of connection and discovery, but it doesn’t always go as planned. Whether it’s mismatched expectations, lack of alignment, communication breakdowns, or unforeseen complications, navigating the rough waters of the current dating pool can be challenging. Here are some of the ways to handle the ups and downs:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings

It’s okay to feel disappointed, frustrated, or even hurt when a date or relationship doesn’t meet your expectations. Acknowledge these emotions without judgment. Suppressing your feelings can make it harder to process and move forward. Journaling, talking to a trusted friend, talking to a therapist, or simply sitting with your thoughts can help you better understand your emotions.

2. Reframe the Experience

Every date, whether successful or not, is an opportunity to learn about yourself and what you want in a partner. Instead of focusing solely on the negatives, think about what you gained from the experience. What did go well? What did you enjoy about this person and experience? Did you discover a new dealbreaker? Or perhaps you learned a little more about how you communicate? Each interaction brings clarity.

3. Communicate Honestly

If something feels off or isn’t working, don’t hesitate to communicate your feelings. Sometimes even when people mean well, you and them may not be in alignment for the long-term. Honesty and clarity are key to building meaningful connections. Whether it’s explaining why you don’t see a future or expressing concerns about how things are progressing, clear communication helps both parties move forward with respect. And my favorite line: Honesty saves everybody’s time.

4. Take a Step Back When Needed

Sometimes, a break from dating can be rejuvenating. If you find yourself swiping incessantly, just trying to find or land something in time, entertaining anyone for the sake of attention…these may be some signs of needing a break. It is also possible to experience dating burnout. If you find yourself repeatedly discouraged, it might be time to pause. Use this time to reflect: focus on self-care, pursue hobbies, and strengthen your personal goals. A refreshed mindset can make all the difference when you decide to re-enter the dating scene.

5. Set Realistic Expectations

It’s easy to fantasize about the perfect date or ideal partner, but reality doesn’t always align with expectations. Keep an open mind and be willing to embrace imperfections—both in yourself and others. Setting realistic goals for your dating journey can help you navigate disappointments with grace.

6. Lean on Your Support System

Friends, family, or a therapist can provide valuable perspective and encouragement. Don’t hesitate to reach out for advice or simply to vent. Check with others for their capacity to support you as well. And read the room. Sharing your experiences can lighten the emotional load and offer insights you might not have considered.

7. Focus on Growth, Not Perfection

Dating is a process, not a destination. Embrace the idea that growth, both personal and relational, is more important than achieving a perfect outcome. Be kind to yourself as you navigate the complexities of dating. Remember, it’s okay to stumble along the way.

8. Know When to Walk Away

Not every connection is meant to last, and that’s perfectly fine. If you find yourself compromising your values or happiness for the sake of a relationship, it may be time to move on. Trust your instincts and prioritize your well-being above all else.

9. Stay Open to Possibilities

While it’s important to learn from past experiences, don’t let them make you cynical. Staying open to new possibilities keeps your outlook positive and allows you to embrace opportunities for new connection.

Dating can be unpredictable, but it’s also an experience that helps you grow. When things don’t go as planned, use it as a chance to reflect, adapt, and refocus on what truly matters. How adaptable are we? By maintaining a balanced perspective and prioritizing self-care, you can turn dating challenges into stepping stones toward meaningful relationships.

Thanks for reading!

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