Be Married to Nothing
Happy Sunday! Today’s blog is another personal reflection on life and how perspective changes over time. Thank you for taking some time to continue supporting the blog. You can subscribe for emails and share on social media (@therapywithmo on instagram).
I truly did not know what today’s blog was going to be titled until I started writing. I have spent the last two weeks in a lot of personal reflection, and I went to my local bookstore, The Lit Bar and walked out with five books. Although I have been a therapist of many years so far, this book, “Attached,” caught my eye. This week I found out I am anxiously attached. And like a good person and therapist I am working on it.
In another text message to a dear friend and professional colleague over the weekend, I said “I’m tired of healing.” They laughed. But we always circle back to, “but this is the work.”
I also spent time in deep community last week learning in the capacity of a professional student. It’s something that is hard to do once you have climbed in your field and you just have to work, work, and work. We barely have time to eat. We barely have time to be fed. And when we make that time, we are losing out on something else. Opportunity cost. What does it cost/take for you to do something over another alternative? Is it worth it? That is how we decide most things in life. Well, while, I was being fed and learning, I realized some things about myself. I drew pictures with a lot of lines, I chose strong colors, and I did not want to leave any work undone. I like to bring things to completion. I also thought ahead a lot because I just “needed to know.”
Well, even though I am only two or three chapters into “Attached,” I had a semi-full circle moment. People who display anxiously attached behaviors are often trying to predict and control outcomes. We don’t wait, we take charge. It’s not all bad. But, there are some situations in life that do not require our desire for control; it desires our submission. Submission not like something kinky. Submission like, I allow myself to fully surrender to the process ahead of me without trying to see too far ahead, control, or manipulate outcomes, and I welcome all possibilities. Sounds like an easy prayer, but for us, this needs to be the intention we stick to.
All is well that ends well, right? How much struggling are we willing to go through if we know for sure that it will work out in the end? We’ll get what we want. The job, the relationship, the vacation, the family, desired salary of certain figures. “Shortcut draw blood and long cut draw sweat.” (You can read what this means here- link).
“Be married to nothing.” A phrase I was taught by my late supervisor, mentor, therapy dad, Sippio Small, LCSW-R. At the beginning of couples’ and family therapy training I used to write down all the questions I planned to ask in a therapy session. I’m not joking…ALL. What if something comes up that changes the course of the session? What if your client/s want to talk about something else? Have a more pressing issue? Or just had a fight and need support with that? Monique, are you going to continue with the same line of questioning? Well, no. My plan is out the window. Be married to nothing. No outcome. Hold the space. Do the work. You will see where you and your client/s land at the end of the hour. The question/conversation is the intervention.
Be married to nothing sounds easy. At first glance, it sounds like: Monique, lay on the grass, or the beach, and let life happen. The truth is, that it is not easy. And that’s not even the ask! Relax your expectations to the point that you are not overly trying to control your environment. Things may go differently than you planned, and that’s okay. Be adaptable.
We all have emotional investment in situations that affect us. So, it is normal to want to take control. Be married to nothing is a charge- something we are tasked to do. Accept multiple perspectives and submit. The way in which I want something to go is only ONE of many outcomes, not the only one. And, do I submit to the process? Healing, participation, and what the process may require of me. Answering to self requires radical self-honesty and accountability.
I’d love your thoughts. Thanks for reading.
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