Connected In Conflict
Happy Sunday everyone! Today’s blog is about different types of relationships, dynamics, and what can we do about conflict and tension when it arises.
Let’s start with this. Have you even been in the midst of a conflict? What role did you play? Did you start it? Were you trying to put an end to it? Were you not involved but being dragged in? Were you resisting being dragged in and keeping your boundaries? Did you have an issue which was the initial source of the conflict? Did someone have an issue or grievance with you? Or, were you in the middle, stuck in between fighting people, and looking for a way out?
Then the therapist in me will say, how did that make you feel? And after that, can you say more about how you were feeling and your position/role?
For the purposes of describing and defining conflict, I will combine definitions of conflict as: a serious disagreement or argument where a disconnect and/or incompatibility may be present. A clash.
Sometimes conflict does escalate into physical violence and we may conflate the two: conflict and physical aggression/violence. But at the root, a conflict starts as a disconnect between perspectives, feelings, beliefs, and ideas. What may come after is based on how a person or group behaves as a result of the real and perceived issue(s).
When I meet with therapy-seekers for the first time, one of the first questions I ask is what is your relationship to conflict? How did you see conflict handled in your family and other relationships? These questions give A LOT of perspective. And, often speaks to who people tend to have conflict with- very close, bonded, connected family members, romantic partners, and select friends.
Truth number 1- We tend to argue more with those we are closest to because we care enough about the relationship connection.
Truth number 2- All good relationships will be tested.
I have said this before. An argument is not a waste of time if all involved can leave with a better understanding of themselves and each other. Although arguments and conflict can be intense, it is one of the types of communication forums where people tend to be more clear and assertive. I may have been dancing around this subject before, but now I will tell you how I really feel. This is also why some partners and family members may say, wow, I didn’t know so-and-so felt this way about X until this conflict. Or that what I was doing (my actions) really bothered them, etc.
So, what role does conflict play in our relationships? I know this might sound weird, but surviving and coming back from conflict in your relationships builds deeper intimacy and understanding. We can have long standing relationships of years, but how deep When considering your personal relationships, the idea of being "connected in conflict" delves into how disagreements, misunderstandings, and disputes can actually play a crucial role in the dynamics of a relationship. Here are some points to help understand this better:
1. Growth Through Conflict
Strengthening Bonds: When conflicts are resolved in a healthy manner, they can lead to a deeper understanding between individuals, strengthening their bond.
Personal Growth: Handling conflicts can promote personal growth, encouraging individuals to develop better communication skills, empathy, self-advocacy and emotional intelligence.
2. Understanding and Clarity
Revealing True Feelings: Conflict often brings underlying issues to the surface, providing an opportunity for individuals to express their true feelings and concerns.
Clarifying Expectations: Through conflict, people can clarify their expectations and boundaries, leading to a more transparent and honest relationship.
3. Building Resilience
Learning to Compromise: Working through conflicts teaches the art of compromise, where both parties learn to make concessions and find common ground.
Strengthening Trust: Successfully navigating conflicts can build trust, as both parties show commitment to resolving issues and maintaining the relationship.
4. Enhancing Communication
Improving Communication Skills: Effective conflict resolution requires clear and open communication, which can improve overall interaction between individuals.
Active Listening: Conflict encourages active listening, where each party makes an effort to truly understand the other's perspective. Listening to understand, not only to respond.
5. Emotional Intimacy
Vulnerability: Conflict often involves a level of vulnerability, where individuals expose their insecurities and fears. This can lead to greater emotional intimacy.
Mutual Respect: Respecting each other's viewpoints and working through differences respectfully can enhance mutual respect.
Six Strategies for Healthy Conflict Resolution
Stay Calm and Respectful: Make every effort to approach conflict with a calm demeanor and avoid personal attacks.
Focus on the Issue, Not the Person: Address the specific issue at hand rather than attacking the person's character or bringing in past “receipts.”
Use "I" Statements: Express your feelings and thoughts using "I" statements to take responsibility for your own emotions.
Seek to Understand: Make an effort to understand the other person's perspective before responding.
Find Common Ground: Look for areas of agreement that can serve as a foundation for resolving the conflict.
Take Breaks if Needed: If emotions run high, taking a break can help both parties cool down and approach the conflict with a clearer mind.
Being "connected in conflict" in personal relationships highlights the paradoxical nature of how disputes can both challenge and strengthen connections. When managed constructively, conflicts can serve as catalysts for deeper understanding, growth, and intimacy, ultimately enhancing the relationship.
Let me know your thoughts! Thank you for reading.
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