Withdrawals With No Deposits
Happy Sunday everyone!
Earlier this week, this phrase came to me and I made it a post on Facebook and my Instagram page (@therapywithmo).
Daily advice:
Stop letting people be in your life who only make withdrawals with no deposits.
I said it out loud and thought to myself, ooouuu! This is good. Make a post. You can’t be the only one who feels this way.
Friendships and relationships are always a hot topic. We are thinking about them. How do we show up? How do our friends and partner show up for us? Am I happy with what I am receiving? Are they happy with me? Can I do more? Am I doing enough? Whether we consciously know it or not, we are almost always analyzing our relationships.
Another thing I hear a lot in the romantic and platonic realms is about love languages (click to read more). The five love languages are: words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service, and receiving gifts. It’s not really ground-breaking to me as a relational therapist, but I understand why for some this framework makes sense. The love languages are broken down into categories in how we may prefer others to show up for us or show love. And, by finding out your friends or partner’s love language, it is insight into how they may want to receive or be shown love. Long story short, I believe some people are more practical about love and lean toward tangible things such as gifts and experiences. Others may be more into the meta experience of needing to build an interpersonal, psychological, emotional connection including communication (i.e., words of affirmation, quality time).
So, if love and relationships are so great, how do we get to a point of imbalance? Things are off. That friend or that partner is just taking more than they give. Another person is feeling taken for granted, unappreciated, or underappreciated. The dynamic is out of whack and you want to get it back to where it was… but it might come with some uphill battles.
I find that most people don’t want to fight. While things bother them, they fear a confrontation of their emotions and then to verbalize dissatisfaction to the parties involved is not what they want to do. I mean confrontation in the sense of coming face-to-face with, acknowledging this truth. “I’m not happy.” “I didn’t appreciate you doing X.” And the list goes on…
Then I am going to ask you: So what do we do about it? About how you are feeling?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, one person alone cannot repair a whole relationship. I don’t care if it’s friendship, romance, or business. It takes the work of all involved or the relationship connection is at risk to break or end.
Going back to what do we do about a situation when we find there are more withdrawals than deposits? More effort, energy, resources are being taken from the relationship without balanced reciprocation, or there is no reciprocation at all. You might think boundaries is the expected answer. Actually, it is not just boundary. Yes, I believe boundaries are important, but often times where we see these imbalances, they are in relationships that we actually want to hold onto. Setting boundaries tends to be easier in relationships where we have accepted the risk of it possibly ending by asserting what we need and expect (boundaries).
Listen, we are not always going to be victims of being in connections with others where we are giving too much and receiving little in return. We may be the villains in someone’s story. It is important to assess and be honest about the role we play, too.
Possible Signs of an Unbalanced Friendship or Relationship:
Unequal Effort: One person is always initiating contact, making plans, or providing emotional support, while the other rarely reciprocates.
Feeling an emotional drain: How do you feel after interactions with this person? You may feel exhausted, unappreciated, or resentful due to the constant imbalance.
Lack of Mutual Support: In times of need, the giver may find that the other person is not there for them, or only provides minimal support.
One-Sided Decision-Making: Important decisions or plans are often made by one person, with little to no input from the other.
Feeling Taken for Granted: The giver may feel like their efforts are not valued or acknowledged, leading to feelings of being taken for granted.
Power Imbalance: One person may hold more control or power in the relationship, leading to a dynamic where the other person and/or their needs feels inadequate or less important.
Absence of Appreciation: The person who is always giving might notice that their contributions are not recognized or appreciated by the other party.
Consequences of Unbalanced Relationships:
Emotional Burnout: The person giving more may experience emotional burnout, as they are constantly pouring energy into the relationship without receiving enough in return.
Resentment: Over time, resentment can build, leading to tension and conflict in the relationship.
Loss of Self-Worth: Continually being in an unbalanced relationship can erode self-esteem, as the giver might start to feel unworthy or unimportant.
Deterioration of the Relationship: If the imbalance is not addressed, the relationship may deteriorate, as the giver might withdraw or end the relationship to protect their well-being.
Addressing the Imbalance:
Communication: Openly discussing feelings and concerns with the other person is crucial. This is a big risk, but necessary! The other person may not be aware of the imbalance you are experiencing. A conversation can help address the issue.
Setting Boundaries: Establishing clear boundaries can prevent one person from overextending themselves and ensure that the relationship is more balanced.
Assessing the Relationship: It may be necessary to evaluate the overall health of the relationship. If the imbalance persists despite efforts to correct it, it might be time to consider whether the relationship is worth maintaining.
Self-Care: Prioritizing self-care and ensuring that one's own needs are met is important, especially when in a relationship that feels draining or unbalanced.
Unbalanced relationships can be challenging, but recognizing the signs and taking proactive steps can help restore balance or, if necessary, lead to healthier decisions about the relationship. We also cannot expect people to read our minds. Something I encourage therapy-seekers to do is be fair; we cannot hold people responsible for something we have not expressed. Now, once I have told you and you continue to do something that hurts me (with awareness), I may feel more empowered or justified to make my own decision about participating in our relationship.
Thank you for reading! Drop me a comment below.
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