Rewriting the Memory
After nearly a month off, the Undoing Toxic Blog is back. Thank you for checking out today’s entry.
Last week, I put up an Instagram poll on my page (@therapywithmo) asking what kind of blog tea do people want for today? The majority voted for travel stuff. This is not my first blog entry about travel. In case you missed the previous ones, you can check out “Preparing for a Wellness Reset”, “Do Something Everyday That Scares You”, and “Queen of Outside and Solo Travel.”
Today’s blog is titled “Rewriting the Memory.” Rewriting the memory is an exercise, sometimes therapeutic, where we revisit old experiences to try to understand ourselves better and to rewrite our story or narrative. For example, as a child, I was once chased by a dog. I had a strong fear of dogs, particularly big dogs, and I stayed away from them for many years. I have had the opportunity to be around other dogs again and in rewriting that experience, I have been able to be calm and enjoy the company of not only dogs, but animals. My fear no longer controls me.
Two years ago on my first solo vacation, I went to the Dominican Republic. While I was there, I went on an excursion to Saona Island. If you have never visited, I highly recommend it. We took a boat over and as I got onto the beach, I was met by a man who saw I was traveling alone. Andas sola? Are you walking alone? A question I often got. They were handing out welcome necklaces, and he handed me a necklace with a wooden turtle and told me it was good luck. We continued to walk and talk and he asked me this question that has stuck with me: have you traveled to find someone else or to find yourself?
In the moment, I stayed quiet because I was shocked. Why am I here? I really did not come to Dominican Republic with any expectations of meeting anyone. I guess I was here to find myself? To be authentic I said I traveled by myself to celebrate my birthday. I did not want wait for anyone because waiting might come with listening to their excuses. I laid on a beach chair and I enjoyed this white sand beach. Later on, he asked me to visit his gift shop before my group left. He introduced me to a stone only found in Dominican Republic, larimar, which one of the meanings represents love.
Fast-forward, now we are here in Summer 2024. This has been a very difficult summer in the wake of losing one of my brothers in June. I also lost a dear friend a few weeks prior. I have been in a season of grief. Prior to my losses, I had a trip planned. And I am not going to lie, when the time came up for me to now take this trip given all that I have been through, I really was not sure. I was not sure how to feel. I felt numb. I did not have much excitement anymore. If the man from Dominican Republic asked me was I taking the trip to find someone or find myself I do not know what answer I would have given.
My recent summer trip to France gave me an opportunity to do so much. It was a break at a very needed time. My emotions were wearing thin. I had to be present for my clients and for myself. I am sure some of my friendships suffered in terms of communication because at times I just shut down. I even stopped attending church in person because I didn’t want to pretend I was doing better than I was actually feeling on the inside. I did not want to pretend anywhere. I do believe as a therapist and for my fellow therapists, sometimes we are our clients’ cheerleaders. They are coming to us and trusting us with so much. I do not ever take that lightly. For my clients who knew what was going on as I had to discuss upcoming time off, I was given so much grace and love. They asked me to take care of myself. I have given so much of myself to them. Just go and come back and they will be here. I am so thankful to my clients, friends, and community who understood and held me and continue to hold me during this time.
I took off to Paris, France on an eight hour flight. I just need time to be still. I did not watch a movie. I did not listen to music. I just slept and looked out the window. It had been the first time in weeks. I just relaxed, and I had nothing to do for anyone else but me. Quietly. Sometimes we have to take care of ourselves quietly. It is no one’s business, no one needs to know. Just do it.
This was not a solo trip and I had the pleasure of being hosted by friends. In the middle of whatever you are going through, no matter if it’s grief, a break up, a hard time, mental illness, etc. really try to make time for gratitude when possible. Despite what I was going through, as I looked up and around the city celebrating my birthday I was thankful to just be able to experience this. To afford myself this and for it to have been provided to me. Amen.
I am in the city of love and lights now. Am I looking for someone else or I’m looking for myself? Well, now, mister from Dominican Republic maybe my answer is both. I am a lover of travel and I also live in a big city so navigating is not difficult for me.
What is a girl like you doing on vacation here? Well, a lot. I’m here to celebrate my birthday, I’m here to see my friends, I’m here to eat some good food, I’m here to go to my favorite observation deck, I’m here on a break, I’m here to spend part of my summer holiday, I’m a therapist who needs a break, and the list goes on. Meeting someone along the way would be beautiful icing on the cake.
We often do not live in the moment because we are trying to capture the moment that we are in by photo and video documenting it. We often do it for Instagram for social media, but what about us? Would the sunset be more enjoyable if I was just watching it rather than watching it through my phone? I struggled with this because I am a person who loves photos and loves memories. I challenged myself to put my phone down and be more mindful. I also posted less online.
Somethings in life just have to be experienced; photos will not do it justice.
Luxury shopping, eating, afternoon tea at Mariage Freres, going on a walk in the woods, deep conversation, sleep, delicious pastries, reading, journaling are some of the things I did to find myself again. And in doing those things, I also connected and found others.
Selfless kindness often comes from who and where you least expect it – not from where and who you might expect – because it is family, parents, siblings, your partner, colleagues or friends. Giving without expectations. In these relationships we all want something back. But a stranger, do you expect anything back? You gave because it was needed. If you needed it more, you would not have sacrificed to give.
I rewrote some memories and made some new ones. I am refreshed and grateful for every experience and how everything came together. Who and what we need is always closer than we think.
I don’t know what it might be for you that you have avoided in your life. But I wonder, with deep consideration, what would it be like for you to rewrite your own memory? This is a chance to make a new narrative for yourself. How it went doesn’t have to be how it goes.
Thank you.
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