Layers of Betrayal- Why Do People Lie?
Happy Sunday and thank you for reading today’s Undoing Toxic Blog entry. I would like to start with a question:
Why do people lie?
Why do people do something so damaging and life changing it changes the trajectory of your relationship and other relationships?
For starters, people find various reasons to lie. It is often to protect themselves or others, to avoid punishment, to gain an advantage, or to spare someone's feelings. Sometimes, people lie to maintain a certain image and they way they want to see themselves or have people see them. In other cases, some also lie impulsively without thinking about the consequences. The reasons for lying can be complex and are often influenced by individual circumstances and motivations.
But, lying is really dangerous! When someone lies to you, they rob you of operating with full knowledge. You are being robbed of a choice to remain in the relationship or friendship or not, or making a key decision about a particular situation. The act of lying protects what the liar views as the status quo of the relationship, a dynamic that serves them, or steering the situation to a favorable outcome.
For example, two people dating or seeing each other casually may not share all the details of what is going on behind the other’s back. No, I wont tell you that I’m seeing other people. Because, that might change what we have going on.
Can you think of some lies you have told? What are some lies you have heard?
There are different types of lies and they can be categorized based on their purpose, intent, and severity. Here are some common ones:
White Lies: These are harmless lies told to avoid hurting someone's feelings or to maintain social harmony. For example, telling someone you like their new haircut when you don't.
Fabrications: These are completely made-up stories or falsehoods told with the intent to deceive.
Exaggerations: These lies involve stretching the truth or embellishing details to make a story more interesting or impressive.
Omissions: Sometimes, lying can involve not telling the whole truth or leaving out important details to deceive someone.
Bold-Faced Lies: These are blatant and obvious lies told with no attempt to disguise or justify them.
Compulsive Lies: Some people lie habitually, often for no clear reason.
Protective Lies: These are lies told to protect oneself or someone else from harm, punishment, or embarrassment.
Pathological Lies: These are serious lies told by someone who has a persistent tendency to deceive others, often with no clear motive.
Misleading Lies: Lies that are technically true but are presented in a way that is intended to mislead or deceive.
Understanding these types of lies can help us recognize when we, or others, are being dishonest and understand the motivations behind the dishonesty.
The wounds that lying creates when people think they are trying to protect and preserve a relationship is actually doing more harm. People think they lie to protect other peoples’ feelings. It’s to protect the response or reaction from the feelings that will come by being honest.
Lying and betrayal go together because it is the breaking of the trust, belief, and esteem you have of a person. Betrayal defined as “the act of breaking someone's trust or confidence, often by betraying a promise or commitment, or by acting against someone's interests. It can involve deceit, disloyalty, or treachery, and can cause significant emotional pain and damage to relationships. Betrayal can take many forms, including lying, cheating, backstabbing, or abandoning someone when they need support or loyalty.”
So, Monique, what about when people are honest and it hurts?
Life is hard. Pick your hard. They hurt you but you can trust them to be real. You can’t trust the liar. Because even though things felt good with them, you question everything. Are they really having fun? Do they want to be here? Are they going to tell me something different after?
Truth should be delivered with sensitivity. But it’s about not betraying people by way of deception.
Betrayal recovery is hard. Once bitten, twice shy. Who wants to be hurt again?
Disclaimer:
The intention for using social media for social workers and other mental health professionals is for marketing, education, advocacy, thought leadership, and providing content in a technologically changing field. We want to do this while making potential therapy-seekers aware of the risks and benefits of engagement on social media and Internet where mental health professionals are present. A therapeutic relationship is a professional relationship and in today's technological climate, a social media presence or following your therapist on social media is not to be confused with a relationship outside of therapy. Ethical, professional, and therapeutic boundaries must be followed and honored.
A counseling social media page or blog is not psychotherapy, a replacement for a therapeutic relationship, or substitute for mental health and medical care. A social media presence as a counseling professional is not seeking an endorsement, request, or rating from past or current clients. No social media posts or blog should be considered professional advice. The information contained in posts is general information for educational purposes only.
Be mindful of sharing personal details or details or others if you choose to comment.
Please consult your physician or mental health provider regarding advice or support for your health and wellbeing.
If you or someone you know is experiencing a medical and/or psychiatric mental health crisis and requires assistance, please call 911 emergency services.
988- National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours a day, 7 days a week)
Safe Horizon 24-hour Hotlines (se habla español):
Domestic violence victims: 800-621-HOPE (4673)
Victims of crime and their families: 866-689-HELP (4357)