What About Us?- A Letter on Love

Written By Monique Evans

Today is my final letter about love (for now) for the Undoing Toxic blog.

I’ve been sitting with a question for a while, and I decided not to only think about myself, but everyone who might feel similarly. The question actually came to me after a friend/ colleague asked me to write about differences in the dating and relationship experience for African-Americans, particularly women. So, with that, when it comes to love, what about us?

What about us? When it comes to love, are we not deserving or lovable? When it comes to us, why is it that other peoples’ timeline and trajectory looks like a straight line?

Finish school, take a few vacations, post a few pics of the same partner, see the proposal pictures, everyone likes, comments, congratulates the couple, wedding pictures next, new house/ property/apartment post, pregnancy posts, etc…and life looks set…for them.

What about us?

Dating and relationships for some have been a windy road. Lots of turns and bumps. Hopeful potential, optimism, flat tires, what you thought it was is what it actually is not. Promising situations and relationships end out of nowhere. Situationships are just what they are…situations. Losing people you hoped to keep around. And maybe, you too, finished school landed a good job, making good money, going out, living life, traveling, putting yourself out there as the relationship coaches advise, and nada, nothing.

The question then becomes: What about me? Not me, Monique, but think about yourself. What is your story/circumstance on how love has been different for you? Is dating and love really different for me? For us? Is it because of my race? My culture? Does race really matter in this? Does love see color? Is it where I live? Is it the terrible dating pool and less-than-desirable options? What is it? We just want to know…what about us?

Dating experiences can vary widely for individuals, and there isn't a one-size-fits-all answer to whether dating is different for African-American/ Black people. However, it is essential to recognize that people's experiences can be influenced by various factors, including cultural, societal, and regional differences.

If you ask me, I do think, we, African-American women, face unique challenges in the realm of love. Stories and depictions have been made about us before some can even give us a chance. And sometimes, we internalize and embody these ideas about us. We have heard about about being angry, “too” independent, toxic, don’t be the girl or woman who does too much or tries too hard for a man, don’t be “one of those” who needs somebody too much. Don’t be difficult. What else have you heard? Because I know there is a lot more.

So, as a result, we try NOT to be all these things because we, African-American women, have been tasked to be different because we’ve been labeled as difficult.

Additionally, some may say not all of us had healthy models of relationships. They didn’t see healthy conflict resolution or have two parents at all. Some of us saw one person, often times a woman, doing it all. How can I be something I haven’t seen before? What about us?

In the waiting period, dating, trying to be available for love, some of us have focused on softness, self-love, familial love, and platonic love. Giving ourselves experiences of self-appreciation and celebration (as we should) to not buy into a narrative of we are lacking something and therefore unlovable.

Remember that everyone's journey with love is unique, and these lessons may manifest differently for each person. Additionally, learning about love is an ongoing process, and relationships evolve over time.

When we love and are loved correctly, I trust that we will know. Work on you now so you don’t fumble later.

With love and pleasure,

Mo.

Thank you for reading.

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Monique Evans
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When the Honeymoon Is Over- A Letter on Love