Use Your Words

Use. Your. Words.

A seemingly simple yet profound request we make of children when they are experiencing frustration, distress, etc. and are not communicating. When someone is not communicating, it is difficult to attend to them or assist them.

Parents, caregivers, anyone entrusted to take care of a child or children in that moment are trying to figure out the cause and need of that child. Is it hunger? Tiredness? Sadness? Frustration? Anger? Restlessness?

It’s not just a child’s problem or responsibility to “use their words.” Adults need to take a page out of this book, too.

Use your words. What’s going on internally and externally that is causing you to disengage? Not talk? Not express yourself? Some may say words escape them sometimes- they don’t know what to say. Or, some are very clear but maybe because of the fueling emotions, it may not be best because of the impact their words might have on those receiving them.

In relationships (of all kinds), sometimes we remove our words intentionally. We give the cold shoulder, silent treatment. Gottman calls this “stonewalling.” (Click link to learn more- Four Horsemen by Gottman). We think, let my silence teach a lesson.

As a therapist and a woman, I would like to tell you while silence may teach something, it also costs all involved other things. Our silence will cost us. Have there been situations where you now wish you did not commit to silence? That you actually said something? You wish you had used your words? I know that I have, personally and professionally. Sometimes we may feel that it’s not worth it, or what we have to say is not important, might create conflict, or don’t want to be bothered. Sometimes we use silence to communicate a grievance or grudge. I’m not talking to you and I want you to figure out why, or you should know why. An assumption often made and seen in romantic relationships.

People may shut down and refuse to talk for many different reasons and also depending on the situation. Learning how to get in touch with and understanding these reasons may help in addressing the situation.

8 reasons common reasons for silence:

  1. Emotional Overwhelm: When emotions become too intense, people might shut down as a way to cope with or protect themselves from the stress or pain they are experiencing.

  2. Fear of Judgment: If someone fears being judged, misunderstood, or criticized, they might avoid talking to protect themselves from potential negative responses.

  3. Lack of Trust: Trust issues can lead to people closing off. If they don’t feel safe or trust the person they are communicating with, they may choose silence over vulnerability.

  4. Feeling Misunderstood: When people feel like they are not being understood, heard, or validated, they might stop talking to avoid further frustration or disappointment.

  5. Avoiding Conflict: Some people shut down or retreat to avoid conflict/confrontational exchanges. They may believe that staying silent is better than engaging in an argument or a difficult conversation.

  6. Mental Health Struggles: Some mental health issues including but not limited to depression or anxiety, for example, can lead one to withdraw and become silent. These conditions can make it hard for individuals to express themselves or find the energy or motivation to engage and communicate.

  7. Past Trauma: Previous traumatic experiences can cause individuals to shut down as a protective mechanism when they are reminded of those experiences. We all have unique trauma responses.

  8. Lack of Communication Skills: Sometimes, people have not learned skills to effectively communicate their thoughts and feelings, advocate for themselves, or name discomfort which can lead them to withdraw rather than attempt to express themselves even if they make mistakes or are not as clear in their message.

Understanding root cause of why someone you may have a friendship or relationship with is not using their words can help in addressing the issue with empathy and patience. Remember, encouraging open communication means you have to provide and be a safe, non-judgmental place for them to land. Therapy and seeking professional help if necessary can also be beneficial to improving communication.

Thank you for reading today’s blog.

I would love to hear from you. Drop me a comment or email moniqueevanstherapy@gmail.com

Disclaimer:

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Chasing Two Rabbits: Relationship Ambivalence