Chasing Two Rabbits: Relationship Ambivalence
I don’t know why I don’t know about this relationship…but I want it to work.
They rub me the wrong way sometimes and I don’t know why.
I thought I forgave them, but we still have these arguments sometimes.
I think he/she is the one, but I don’t know!
I think I love two people.
Should I stay or should I go?
And the list goes on, and by the end of it, I almost always hear, “Monique? Can you help me? Just tell me what to do.”
Today’s blog is about relationship ambivalence. While not an official diagnosable condition, it is one of my favorite clinical issues to address.
We need a name for experiences and feelings to be able to put them into context and find a path forward to address it. Minus a few mandatory disclosures when meeting with a client for the first time and asking a few questions, I let them do enough talking. Often I say, “describe it to me, paint the picture for us.” And I make sure to go back to their request of: Can you help me? Tell me what to do.
Yes, I can help you as a therapist. I am not a coach though, so I am not just going to tell you what to do. I rarely tell people what to do. I actually only ever tell my client or anyone what to do if a safety issue or critical psychiatric issue arises. Other than that, I won’t be telling you what to do.
The short truth about relationships is the following: they are sometimes complicated, yet desired, and require work from all involved.
You can’t enter relationships with an insurance policy or security deposit. What you invest in a relationship and person or people may or may not be validated, appreciated, or reciprocated. It is nice when it is, but there is no guarantee. Giving it your all, forgiving boundary violations which may include cheating and other forms of exploitation may not mean it lasts forever. And if you made all attempts for a relationship to be successful and it just was not, there is no refund check for what you put in.
People are afraid to be vulnerable in relationships because they are conservative investors! Not risk takers. Even in relationships of many years, partners do not show their hand of cards, true feelings or true self due to a fear. Partners and dating prospects do not want to overdo or out-give the other for fear of rejection, being used, or being thought of as silly.
Many of us are waiting for the condition of when.
When I feel this, I’ll know. When I see this from him or her, I’ll know. Or, if you’re Caribbean, you’ll get a dream or see a sign, and you’ll know. You’ll know when.
The truth is, ambivalence, uncertainty, and hopefulness keep us stuck. It is an opportunity to lean into discomfort and find out what you are really unsure about. Are you truly ambivalent about your relationship? Maybe deep down, you know what it is that is upsetting you, and you’re ambivalent about the action you would have to take to shift the relationship.
Relationship ambivalence refers to experiencing mixed or conflicting feelings about a relationship. This can show up as uncertainty, doubt, or bittersweet emotions toward a partner and the relationship(s) you share.
Six Factors that can lead to relationship ambivalence:
Incompatibility: Differences in values, goals, or lifestyles that create tension or uncertainty.
Unresolved Conflicts: Ongoing issues or unresolved disputes that linger and cause mixed feelings.
Fear of Commitment: Concerns about the long-term implications of the relationship.
Past Experiences: Previous negative experiences or traumas influencing current feelings.
External Pressures: Family, friends, or societal expectations impacting one's perception of the relationship.
Personal Growth: Changes in personal development or self-discovery that alter one's perspective on the relationship.
Addressing relationship ambivalence typically involves open communication and honesty with yourself first. You will also need to eventually clue your partner or others involved in the relationship about your feelings and experience. Therapy can also help lead one to understand the root causes in a guided experience or exploration of these feelings and next steps.
If you chase two rabbits, you will not catch either one. Get clear about what is creating ambivalence and you will find a direction to move forward.
Thank you for reading!
I would love to hear from you. Drop me a comment or email moniqueevanstherapy@gmail.com
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