Time For A New Couch
Happy Sunday and welcome back to the Undoing Toxic Blog. Today’s blog is about how to make room in your life for love and new relationships or connections.
It’s time to get rid of your couch and make room for new relationships!
Have you ever been couch shopping? I have. And I was quite picky about it, too. I remember measuring every corner of my new apartment down to the tenth with the measuring tape because I wanted the right couch and I wanted it to fit in my space. I didn’t want it to be too big, or too small. I wanted it to fit through the door. I also had a specific place for it in the living room, against a particular wall, next to the window. I was building an aesthetic- my new couch needed to fit the vibe I was making.
This is how specific we can sometimes get when it comes to dating and friendship as well. You’re going to an event, you are well-dressed, well-prepared, and you speak into the universe what you are looking for tonight. The person I am looking for needs to be this tall, needs to be well-dressed, cute, hold a conversation, etc and better be at this event, too!
The couch came and it was everything I wanted. It fit right in. It was comfortable, the right color, and even came with pillows. This is what we expect with friends and lovers too. They will come right along and fit into our lives.
But, as a relationship therapist and from lived experience, I can tell you relationships (all kinds and types) are not always easy. Sometimes, people don’t fit into our lives nice and neatly- it takes work.
And sometimes after the work is done to try to maintain the relationship that you prepared for, there comes a time where you have to make room for something new. That perfect couch has lost its legs, falling apart, doesn’t hold you how it used to, and the condition is beyond repair. It’s time for a new couch.
But Monique, I really like this couch. I really like this friend or partner. I can’t just throw it or them away! I want to fix it.
Me: Do they want to fix it as bad as you? What are you really fixing?
Sometimes we want to hold on to stuff and people because of time. We are addicted to the idea of legacy, longevity, and time invested in anything, especially relationships. There is also attachment and memories. If I ended this relationship, there would be a gap, a void. If I threw out the couch I once loved, my living room would be empty.
Then we get into what some people do which is look for a new relationship without having officially ended the previous one. Trying to have two or more couches when you really only have space and capacity for one. Having your cake and eating it too.
But it’s just too scary to let go! I know. I empathize, sympathize, and join you in that. But the solo season has its lessons to teach, too. Making room for the new couch means I can make room for a new relationship or relationships. Time spent or invested does not excuse disrespect in ANY relationship. One may choose to be more graceful because of the love, feelings, and hope they have for you. Understand that a second (or third, or more) chance is often given and not necessarily deserved or something one is automatically entitled to.
Here are some steps to help you open up space for new connections in your life:
Reflect on Existing Relationships
Evaluate Current Relationships: Consider which relationships are positive and supportive, and which ones might be draining or toxic.
Set Boundaries: Establish healthy boundaries with those who negatively impact your life to create emotional space for new, healthier relationships.
Personal Growth
Self-Reflection: Understand your own needs, desires, and values in relationships. This can help you attract the right kind of people.
Pursue Interests and Hobbies: Engage in activities you enjoy. This not only enriches your life but also increases the chances of meeting like-minded individuals.
Be Open and Approachable
Maintain a Positive Attitude: A positive outlook can make you more approachable and attractive to others.
Active Listening: Show genuine interest in others. Listen more than you speak to understand their perspectives and experiences.
Social Opportunities
Expand Your Social Circles: Join clubs, groups, or communities that align with your interests. Don’t get stuck only on social media and online dating apps.
Reconnect with Acquaintances: Reach out to old friends or acquaintances you may have lost touch with.
Communication
Improve Communication Skills: Good communication is key to building and maintaining relationships. Practice active listening, empathy, and clear expression of your thoughts and feelings.
Be Authentic: Be yourself and be honest about who you are. Authenticity attracts people who appreciate you for who you truly are.
Managing Expectations
Be Patient: Building new relationships takes time. Be patient and allow connections to develop naturally.
Let Go of Perfection: No one is perfect, and neither are relationships. Embrace imperfections and focus on growth.
Emotional Readiness
Heal Past Wounds: If past relationships have left you hurt, take time to heal and process those emotions before diving into new ones. Therapy can also help process these experiences in a safe and guided environment
Stay Positive and Hopeful: Keep a hopeful mindset about the potential for new, fulfilling relationships in your life.
You have to believe that what you want is better than what you’re experiencing right now. We don’t want to let go unless we can see what’s in front of us. Making room for new relationships involves reflection, being really intentional with yourself, and taking action.
Disclaimer:
The intention for using social media for social workers and other mental health professionals is for marketing, education, advocacy, thought leadership, and providing content in a technologically changing field. We want to do this while making potential therapy-seekers aware of the risks and benefits of engagement on social media and Internet where mental health professionals are present. A therapeutic relationship is a professional relationship and in today's technological climate, a social media presence or following your therapist on social media is not to be confused with a relationship outside of therapy. Ethical, professional, and therapeutic boundaries must be followed and honored.
A counseling social media page or blog is not psychotherapy, a replacement for a therapeutic relationship, or substitute for mental health and medical care. A social media presence as a counseling professional is not seeking an endorsement, request, or rating from past or current clients. No social media posts or blog should be considered professional advice. The information contained in posts is general information for educational purposes only.
Be mindful of sharing personal details or details or others if you choose to comment.
Please consult your physician or mental health provider regarding advice or support for your health and wellbeing.
If you or someone you know is experiencing a medical and/or psychiatric mental health crisis and requires assistance, please call 911 emergency services.
988- National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours a day, 7 days a week)
Safe Horizon 24-hour Hotlines (se habla español):
Domestic violence victims: 800-621-HOPE (4673)
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