The Origin of the Mother-Daughter Wound
Happy Sunday and Happy Mother’s Day!
“Love is not just a feeling, it’s a choice we make every day to cherish and appreciate those we are with.”
You may be wondering or saying to yourself, Monique? Why are you talking about this today? It’s Mother’s Day.
My response is: sometimes the best moment to reflect on something is when you expect to feel it more deeply or to be impacted by it. The origin of the mother-daughter wound needs to be highlighted today because the reality for many in their own mother-daughter, parent-child relationships shows up today. And there may be feelings and thoughts that cannot be described or explained but you know they are there.
Let’s begin: Nature versus nurture, cloth doll versus wire doll…how did we get here?
Do people become who they are because it is genetically hardwired in them and pretty much unchangeable? (nature) Or, is it the environment, social support and conditions people grow up in that makes them who they are? So if they are in a “good” environment they will be well-adjusted, and if they are in an environment that is lacking and unsupportive, they won’t do very well. This is a centuries-old argument that still continues to this day.
What do you think? Some people land in the middle and say it is not one or the other, it’s both: nature AND nurture.
Or another argument is the cloth mother versus the wire mother. This is another psychology social science experiment that tests whether a mother only needs to provide food and basic needs to their child or children to be an effective parent or is it providing comfort, security, and being a safe space for your child in times of distress?
When we take this a step further and account for race, culture, intergenerational experiences, and family culture, should a mother raise her child(ren) softly, permissively, or hand out tough love and run a tight ship? Or, do it the way you were raised, good, bad, or indifferent, because this is the type of mother-to-daughter- parenting legacy you want to pass down?
Parenting, especially mothering is complex and subjective. What works for one family may not work for the next family.
I want focus in on the mother-daughter relationship now. I don’t think anyone would argue that when we say who runs the world, it’s women. Life could not come into existence without the presence and role of women. It is society’s hope and expectation that women of each generation create and birth children and raise them well because this is how we maintain a growing population. Mother’s Day is a big deal because deep down we are celebrating womanhood and motherhood.
Many young girls are taught from a young age what they need to aspire to be and then internalize it as one of their life’s mission. Grow up, fall in love, get married (for love and financial security), have kids, and be the best mom one can be. Follow the sex and gender norms and do it all even if you are an educated working professional. When you get home, clock in to job #2 which is really job #1 because they say mothering is a job that is never done and could never pay enough. For those who end up having children, particularly daughters, they already start to dream of the type of mother they want to be and who and what they want their daughter to be. How do we place expectations on someone we haven’t met yet? Aren’t they going to be their own person with attitude, personality, needs, and also shaped by the type of mothering and caregiving they receive?
The term "mother-daughter wound" is often used to describe the complex and challenging relationship dynamic between mothers and daughters. The exact origin of the “mother-daughter wound” is difficult to pinpoint but it is an issue many can identify with. Mother wounds and daughter wounds are often rooted in intergenerational patterns of behavior, communication, emotional connection, abandonment, and unavailability or emotional neglect.
Several factors contribute to the mother-daughter wound:
Interdependence and Identity Formation: The mother-daughter relationship is said to be one of the most significant and influential in a woman's life. Daughters often look to their mothers for guidance, support, and validation as they form their identities. When this support is lacking, it can create a deep wound.
Unresolved Issues: The relationship between mothers and daughters can be influenced by unresolved issues from the mother's own childhood and relationship with her mother. Patterns of behavior and communication are often passed down through generations.
Cultural and Societal Expectations: Societal, racial, and cultural expectations around gender roles, independence, and family roles can also contribute to tension between mothers and daughters. Conflicting expectations can lead to misunderstandings and resentment.
Life Transitions: Major life transitions such as puberty, adolescence, leaving home, marriage, and childbirth can strain the mother-daughter relationship. These transitions often bring about changes in dynamics and expectations, which can lead to conflict and misunderstanding.
Communication Styles: Differences in communication styles and emotional expression between mothers and daughters can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
Unmet Expectations: Unrealistic or unmet expectations from either the mother or daughter can lead to disappointment and feelings of inadequacy.
Understanding and addressing these factors can help mothers and daughters heal the wounds in their relationship and build a healthier, more supportive connection. Therapy, open communication, and setting boundaries can be helpful in this process.
I am sending love to mothers, those who may not have birthed children or not and still mother, daughters, women, first time mommies, those who have lost their mothers and grieving, are in a rough patch in their mother-daughter relationship. It is my hope that you spend today in a way that honors you and your capacity for all things.
Happy Mother’s Day.
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