What’s the Secret Sauce?

Happy Sunday! I am happy to announce the Undoing Toxic Blog turned one this past week. Thank you for your ongoing support to my business and the blog.

This weekend, I attended the “Tonight’s Conversation” podcast recording event with friends. It was a good time and for me as a couples and relationship therapist it was nice to sit back and listen to discourse on relationships. Usually, I am giving the advice.

During this event I thought about this question: What makes us want to get into relationships? And how do we get it right? What’s the secret sauce? Life long friendships, solid family connections, romance etc. What’s the recipe? How did they get there? And if we find ourselves on the outside of these relationships we desire, there is a part of us that wants to get there too.

I think we need certain relationships at particular times in our lives. Everything comes in seasons. Some relationships do not stay for all seasons. We often think about friends, partners, and relatives that have faded out of our lives or left us. We have left people, too.

Good relationships thrive on a few essential elements. While every relationship is unique, certain core factors make a strong foundation for healthy, lasting connections. Here’s what tends to work well:

1. Open Communication

• Ability to Listen and Share Honestly: Effective communication means both people feel safe sharing their thoughts, emotions, and needs. This involves active listening (listening to understand, not to reply) and expressing oneself honestly but kindly.

• Try Avoiding Assumptions: Misunderstandings can easily arise from unspoken expectations or assumptions. Open conversations help clarify where each person is coming from. Accept multiple perspectives.

2. Trust and Reliability

• Keeping Your Word: Consistently showing up and following through on commitments builds trust over time. This doesn’t mean never making mistakes, but owning up to them when they happen.

• Honesty: This includes being upfront about needs and feelings. Trust deepens when both people know they can rely on each other's integrity.

3. Respect and Appreciation

• Valuing Individuality & Difference: Good relationships allow space for both people to be themselves, respecting each other’s choices, preferences, and boundaries.

• Expressing Gratitude: Big or small, say thank you! Small, genuine expressions of appreciation can make a huge difference. Regularly acknowledging each other’s efforts and good qualities helps everyone feel valued.

4. Shared Goals and Values

• Finding Common Ground: While people don’t have to agree on everything, it helps to have a shared vision or similar values. Whether it's about family, career, or lifestyle, understanding each other's core beliefs can make decisions easier and conflicts less intense.

• Building Together: Working towards shared goals—small or big—gives the relationship a sense of purpose and direction.

5. Emotional Support and Empathy

• Hold Space: Good relationships provide a safe haven where both people can seek comfort and support. Showing empathy—understanding and sharing the feelings of the other—fosters a deep bond.

• Encouraging Each Other’s Growth: A healthy relationship involves helping each other grow as individuals, supporting each other’s ambitions, and recognizing each person’s journey.

6. Healthy Conflict Resolution

• Fighting Fairly: Conflict is natural, but resolving it well can strengthen the relationship. Good relationships involve disagreements, but they are resolved with respect, without aiming to hurt or belittle.

• Learning from Challenges: Couples who view conflicts as opportunities to understand each other better, rather than win an argument, tend to build resilience and deepen their connection.

7. Adaptability and Flexibility

• Adjusting to Change: Life brings unexpected changes. Friends and relationships who learn to adapt to each other’s evolving needs and circumstances are more likely to stay strong in the long run.

• Staying Curious: People grow and change over time. A sense of curiosity, a willingness to keep getting to know each other, helps keep the relationship fresh.

Building and sustaining a good relationship takes consistent effort from both people, but these principles help foster a connection that can endure seasons of change.

Let’s connect. Email me: moniqueevanstherapy@gmail.com

Accepting individual, couples, and family clients (self-pay and select insurance via headway.co- Monique Evans, LCSW)

For social work clinicians, I also offer clinical consultation meetings (Not to be confused with clinical supervision for licensure hours) at any level of practice.

Book me as your mental health presenter for speaking engagements, podcasts, panels, and presentations.

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