Love’s Lessons- A Letter on Remembering
Our memories are designed to recall the good before the bad. Sometimes, this is why we recall our past with romanticized nostalgia. Everything was mostly good, hardly ever bad. Do you remember when you were in the thick of it though? We push away negative experiences most times unless there is an unforgettable, painful lesson attached.
Last year, I made a series on my therapy page titled: Undoing Toxic-Lessons in Relationships. Like any good lesson, it comes full circle. I will share some of them in today’s letter on love.
When love plays in your face, what do you do? Real talk, last year I got ghosted on Valentine's Day. It was one of the most hurtful, surprising, felt like I got punched in the stomach, on one of the most "loving" days of year experiences I had in a long time. Ghosting is defined as: “When a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they're dating, with zero warning or notice before hand. You'll mostly see them avoiding phone calls, social media, and avoiding them.” (Urban Dictionary definition).
And it sucked. And I moved on, because I had to. Don't pick up broken glass or cry over spilled milk, Monique. And what was I going to do? Call blocked and curse them out? We are grown now. No, no, no. Move on. People know exactly what they are doing.
Why does love play in my face? You ever get into a new situation and you say, okay, I'm going to do things differently this time. Get to know them...for real. Don't rush it. Take your time so they can weed themselves out. Tell a trusted friend about your dating prospect for accountability purposes and safety reasons. Note: Drop a location to someone when you go on a date. You're less likely to hide when your people know because you have to be accountable.
Next, ask good and curious questions. Don't start with: so what do you do for work? You want people to tell you who they are, not what they do. Because honestly, some of the superficial questions we ask only reveals inconsequential information. You need to find out if you and this person are really aligned. Is this person for real? Or, are they opportunistic, only seeing you as something or someone to do for the moment, and they'll be gone before you know it?
My first goal as an early therapist was that I wanted to learn how to ask really good questions. Questions that demonstrated depth, thoughtfulness, and insight. Questions that would give you no choice but to be first amazed, then secondly answer me with courage and the truth. I wanted to do the same thing with dating. I really want to know this person. Who are you beyond the outside? You dress nice, you smell good, attractive, sex appeal...you have these things going for you. But quite honestly, who are you??
Have you been trying to revamp your dating approach, and still...a whole lot of nothing? Like an airplane taxiing that can't get off the ground. It's frustrating. So we have to become even more vigilant. And being ghosted can make you hypervigilant.
I don't want this to happen again, I said.
It can't happen again. You won't play in my face again.
What signs was I missing? This is the time for self-accountability and reflection. What red flags and behaviors did I skip over because I was enamored with the potential of a fresh start, a new connection, and hoping for love. I moved into the house of love with all my stuff. I should have checked it out first and took a look around before moving in.
This is it. This could be it. Love is here. The pressure of love to be loveable and find love, or let love find you is a lot. If we can't seem to secure the bag of love, we internalize something must be wrong with me. I'm the problem.
We come with our baggage, our attachment styles (click to learn more), and experiences in relationships. For me, one of my identities is that I’m a therapist. I want to understand and fix situations. I want to communicate. I also want to address you and set the record straight because you, ghoster, will be accountable to me.
But what does it matter if the person didn't think enough of you to say you're worthy of a conversation or a final communication?
Seeking them out to give them a piece of your mind would be giving them too much power.
I took a moment to reflect back on these lessons of last year. Here they are:
Others may not handle your emotions or consider you with the same care you would for them.
Accountability cannot be forced out of anyone. Those who have hurt you must be willing to look deeply within themselves. Deciding not to do this is THEIR avoidance; not your flaw.
Realizing that people aren’t who we thought they are can come with sadness and grief— and that’s okay!
Take notice of repeat patterns in relationships— First you may ask “Why me?” Next question should be— “What’s the lesson?”
Real love doesn't play in your face. It isn't uncertain or play games. Mindfulness in dating helps to stay in the moment. Don't focus on the past, don't think too far ahead. Stay in the moment. Hope for the best and leave room for disappointment. Self-love empowers us to identify and exit anything threatening to our being. We owe it to ourselves to practice it.
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