You Deserve Better
Happy Sunday! Thank you for reading the Undoing Toxic Blog.
This week I want to start with a simple phrase: ”You deserve better.” You deserve better was a gift, a resonating statement given to me by a friend after sharing about a very painful experience. He recounted a few times that he didn't know what else to say. But he listened, let me speak, made space for me, and left me with that.
March is Women's History Month and Social Work Appreciation Month. Last month, I wrote letters on love. But I think this week I can connect the two. Deservingness and love certainly go together.
There is so much out there about waiting for the love you deserve. Putting yourself in position. The types of "love" and treatment you deserve. And treating yourself also leads back to what you deserve or feel/believe you deserve. And if you're familiar with my content, I have previously shared that romantic and amorous love are not the only types of love or relationships that need work, nor is it the only love that we should desire. We also deserve love and respect in our family relationships.
I deserve it.
You deserve better.
What does that even mean?
Deservingness and to deserve something leads back to value.
Do I value myself? Am I valued by those in my life. We give respect to those we value because "they deserve it." Parent-child relationships can be difficult. My niche focus, mother-daughter relationships can be difficult. For starters, parenting is a hierarchical relationship by default. Structurally, a child is born into a family, and raised from having no experience to a host of experiences throughout their time on Earth. Who is responsible for facilitating this experience? Parents, particularly mothers.
A mother carries their child, births their child, feeds their child and more. So, there is a special attunement between a mother and their child because the mother provides safety, security, comfort, food, and for all of the child's needs. The child becomes attached and dependent on their mother for survival. This is Psychology 101.
I have asked this question along with many others, how did such a nurturing relationship become toxic? Tense, dismissive, flooded by conflict, silence, arguing, fighting, invalidation. Someone who once knew what you needed based on how you cried or the look on your face now feels like a perfect stranger. How did this happen?
Families are our first social group in the societal structure. The family is responsible for population growth and socializing children into the world. These are our first relationships that set a foundation, or lack thereof, for the other relationships that will come: friendship, classmate, coworker, colleagues, partners, and the list goes on.
When we don’t get what we need, we run the risk of feeling undeserving. We have the task of unlearning and shedding old versions of ourselves. When we lack this awareness, we can find ourselves looking outside of ourselves for validation/approval. How can someone else be your compass?
Early relationships may not be what they were designed to be. It does not mean you are doomed or should not practice self-compassion. Imagine learning how to eat if no one taught you? Not impossible, but it will take time.
Here are some tips on navigating a path to personal and relational improvement/healing.
Relationship with Yourself:
Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would a good friend.
Self-Awareness: Reflect on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to understand yourself better. (Journaling and therapy helps.)
Self-Care: Prioritize activities that nourish your body, mind, and soul, such as exercise, hobbies, or relaxation techniques.
Set Boundaries: Learn to say “no” when necessary and establish healthy boundaries to protect your well-being.
Positive Affirmations: Challenge negative self-talk by practicing positive affirmations and focusing on your strengths.
Relationships with Others:
Communication: Practice active listening and express your thoughts and feelings openly and honestly.
Empathy: Put yourself in others' shoes to better understand their perspectives and experiences.
Respect: Treat others with kindness, dignity, and respect, regardless of differences.
Compromise: Be willing to find common ground and negotiate solutions that benefit both parties in conflicts.
Forgiveness: Let go of grudges and resentments to promote healing and move forward in relationships.
Continuous Learning:
Seek Feedback: Be open to constructive criticism and use it as an opportunity for growth.
Learn from Mistakes: Instead of dwelling on failures, extract lessons from them to improve future interactions.
Practice Gratitude: Cultivate gratitude for the positive aspects of yourself and your relationships.
Relationship repair with yourself and others takes time and effort. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate this journey of undoing and unlearning patterns. Remember, you deserve better.
Disclaimer:
The intention for using social media for social workers and other mental health professionals is for marketing, education, advocacy, thought leadership, and providing content in a technologically changing field. We want to do this while making potential therapy-seekers aware of the risks and benefits of engagement on social media and Internet where mental health professionals are present. A therapeutic relationship is a professional relationship and in today's technological climate, a social media presence or following your therapist on social media is not to be confused with a relationship outside of therapy. Ethical, professional, and therapeutic boundaries must be followed and honored.
A counseling social media page or blog is not psychotherapy, a replacement for a therapeutic relationship, or substitute for mental health and medical care. A social media presence as a counseling professional is not seeking an endorsement, request, or rating from past or current clients. No social media posts or blog should be considered professional advice. The information contained in posts is general information for educational purposes only.
Be mindful of sharing personal details or details or others if you choose to comment.
Please consult your physician or mental health provider regarding advice or support for your health and wellbeing.
If you or someone you know is experiencing a medical and/or psychiatric mental health crisis and requires assistance, please call 911 emergency services.
988- National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours a day, 7 days a week)
Safe Horizon 24-hour Hotlines (se habla español):
Domestic violence victims: 800-621-HOPE (4673)
Victims of crime and their families: 866-689-HELP (4357)